Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
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