Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
