Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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