I heard we made out
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
