Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
