bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
