Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
