I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
