Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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