I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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