Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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