my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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