You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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