im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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