Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
