I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
