I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
