ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
im on a boat
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