The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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