arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
