my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
