I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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