He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
