i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
