We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
