He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
