he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
