my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
