i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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