My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
