I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
