just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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