you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
