This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
