i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
50% drunk capacity currently
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
