I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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