stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
