All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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