he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
