I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
