I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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