Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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