Jerry, you need to find god
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
