Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
