i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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