I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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