Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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