someone owes me an orgasm
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
