omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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