mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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