Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
MIDGETS
????
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
