I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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