Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
