I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
